This Old Wolf

A warm breeze blows through the trees carrying with it the scent of prey.  From where they were languishing in the sun, the wolf pack jumps up as one and sniffs the air.  I can feel their excitement as they ready to hunt.

The excitement doesn’t stir my heart.  I exhale deeply and lie back in the grass, but many in the pack run over and prod me with their muzzles.  Stand, brother, they plead.  We hunt once again!

I snort my displeasure, but as many eyes look my way, I reluctantly get to my feet and run with my brothers and sisters as they begin the hunt.

I watch how they all react… barking and howling with joy as the thrill of the hunt surges within.  I feel their hearts racing in time with the trees that blur in our passing.  They raise their heads into the passing wind with joy… exulting in the thrill of the hunt.

I feel none of it.  I wonder, not for the first time, if I have grown too old to be of use to the pack.

We slow as we near our prey.  The pack crouches in the tall grass to begin stalking the prey.  Hunter hearts thunder in chests but excited panting is the only sound. 

I look at my brothers and sisters with envy wishing I still felt the same joy. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot a swirl of color and turn my head to look.  I cannot suppress the whine that escapes my throat as I spy a pack of younglings chasing after a swirl of butterflies.  My eyes are riveted to their game and I long to join them.

An urgent command reaches me.  Concentrate, brother.  Focus on the hunt… not the foolish pursuits of the young.

We race into battle, but my heart isn’t in it.  I go through the motions without really paying attention to what is going on.  My mind is still on the game of the pups and my heart is back there with them… not with my pack and our prey.

The fight is over quickly and we are victorious again.  The pack howls in victory and prance around our fallen prey.

My heart is empty.  I do not howl with joy.  Instead, I walk to a distant hill hoping to catch site of another pack of pups at play.

I sit on the hill looking down.  There is nothing but empty field as far as I can see, but it is a fitting reflection to the emptiness of my heart.  A rustling sound comes from behind, but I don’t turn to see which of my pack brothers is approaching.

Come take your fill of the spoils, brother.  This is a victory for us all and we must all share in the bounty.

As I stand and begin walking away, I can sense his confusion.  I send back, I am not hungry, brother.  I haven’t been hungry for years.  I came to help, but my job is done.

I can smell his confusion on the wind.  Where are you going?

Still not looking back, I reply more to myself than to him.  I am going to go find some butterflies.  With any luck, that is where I will also find the joy I have lost.